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[26 Jan 2008|12:43pm] |
dear whoever it may concern,
the concern has slowly left me.
i no longer count the days until we eventually speak.
my mind has resistantly grasped the fact that
i
mean
nothing.
however, it was all expected,
dont get me wrong-
even with you gone
the days still come the same.
the months keep calling,
with their repetitive contentment
yet i still remember your name.
i dont intend on manipulating myself.
whatever comes will be.
just understand my reasoning in wanting.
with everything said, and virtually nothing done
all i asked was that you smile.
and even with your continuous hesitation and substantial amount of neglect,
i find myself managing one on my own.
|
|
| im a silly girl, |
[19 Sep 2007|10:56pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 envious |
] |
who constantly disappoints herself.
-i just expected more, thats all.
|
|
| get over it. |
[05 Jul 2007|12:25am] |
|
it still hasnt changed anything.
|
|
| oh god, |
[23 Jun 2007|01:11pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 annoyed |
] |
oh god oh god oh god.
asjlkjrhfcj4ketr,mngvrjtfghnk
im sooo fucking annoyed by everythinggggggggg.
i want to beat the shit out of someone.
just so i can release all of this built up motherfucking anxiety
which resulted from absolutely nothing.
[rly, thats the worst kind] fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck me in the motherfucking piece of shit asshole.
stuuuuupid stupid fucking immature little bitches man.
ahhh my frustration is making me want to vomit.
whhhaaaattttt
theeeeeee
fuuuuuuuuccckkkk. ps. you reeeaallly didnt have to bring that name up right now, mom.
srsly, fucking shit.
ok yea, ill shut up now.
|
|
| ok so.. |
[21 Jun 2007|03:17am] |
|
theres one last thing i would like to explain to you.
actually, nvm.
basically,
im tired of having things taken away from me.
and THATS whats driven me crazy.
...
you should know.
|
|
| it is what it is |
[19 Jun 2007|10:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
envious |
] |
but its not what it should be.
i know,
|
|
| now wtf |
[16 Jun 2007|01:17am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 okay |
] |
is up witchu ma?
|
|
| its amazing |
[13 Jun 2007|03:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
numb |
] |
i saw the fountain last night.
it reminded me of you.
not because of the fact that youve mentioned it before,
but for other reasons..
i dont know what to say to you.
im speechless.
im..
intimidated,
by your careless views of me.
i wish i could be reborn.
and live all over again.
with the knowledge that i have now
of what didnt work.
i assume that would be considered cheating..
but i dont give a fuck.
im lonely. im scared. im confused/hopeless/misunderstood/eager/pessimistic/optimistic at the wrong times/stubborn/relentless/unable to let go/im a mess
of emotions
towards
you.
i want to be happy.
im tired of floating through my days..
doing whatever it is that will keep my mind off of the center of all of this.
yes,
i had problems even before.
and yes,
im able to carry on even after.
but..theres this void inside of me that is unable to be fulfilled.
ive been made an incomplete person.
as long as i can remember
ive always felt inadequate.
as a child i always felt like there was something missing in me.
i was never able to pinpoint it.
and i was never able to relieve myself from that feeling.
the only time that i was ever
ever
able to reach that understanding of myself,
and feel whole
was in 2005.
it has always been my happiest time.
|
|
| i fucking hate this shit. |
[04 Jun 2007|04:30pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
pissed off |
] |
WWWWWWHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTT
TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
|
|
| everyday carries its own battle |
[04 Jun 2007|03:26am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 confused |
] |
i rant.
im too fucking analytical.
i annoyingly vent when i am unable to comprehend.
i dont understand you.
i dont understand your motives.
|
|
| it seems like the more time passes, the more it confuses me. |
[03 Jun 2007|03:00pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 frustrated |
] |
so, i havent posted anything in a really long time.
im not sure who will read this but it doesnt necessarily matter anyway.
i feel like so much has changed in such a short amount of time.
the differences are continuously fucking with my head.
i feel like everything i was once so attatched/comfortable with
is so foreign to me now.
you stand next to me, and i know your face.
i remember every detail i was once surrounded with.
i know your secrets and your desires.
your humor and your history.
but i dont know you
now.
it scares me to feel so strongly for a person that has been away from me for so long. and i would so desperately attempt to regain that feeling of familiarity with you but so much of the situation requires a mutual understanding and want. everything seems so long ago, time has changed so much, however, ive never been able to shake this off.
|
|
|
[12 Jun 2006|11:20pm] |
|
i need some excitement in my life..
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|
|
[26 May 2006|02:42am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 optimistic |
] |
haha so today at work i was asked how much i would charge to 'have a fun time' after i told the guy i was 16...
and then i got hit on by an anorexic lesbian.
it was great.
for the past couple of days my life has been...less confusing and more controllable.
summer brings change and good times.
and i have started my summer off rather early.
i love it. :]
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|
|
[08 May 2006|07:41pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
stressed |
] |
what
the
fuck.
i went to the doctor today..they drew blood and got a urine sample. (gross)
while i was waiting i saw a magazine called 'ebony'
i was bored so i looked through it and guess what the magazine is based on...
yes, BLACK PEOPLE.
i honestly thought this was the coolest shit ever then i realized that not one page had a picture of any other race.
even the fucking car advertisements had black people.
and check this out..even the CAR was black...and instead of chrome trimmings it had this beige color.
freaky huh?
so naturally, the tampon advertisements involved a black woman on the back of a black motorcycle driven by a black man...
BLACK BLACK BLACK BLACK.
you can also order t-shirts that say 'living the EBONY way' and 'we understand, we're you, WE'RE EBONYYY!!!!!'
it was great.
im considering converting...:)
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|
|
[07 May 2006|03:44pm] |
i dont need this. no no no no no.
i didnt go to prom but i dont need no stinkin prom.
prom is for losers. haha no just kidding.
i hope everyone had fun.
|
|
| its alive. |
[05 May 2006|02:39am] |
p.s....i think i may want a relationship.
not a boyfriend or someone to 'talk' to.
i mean a RELATIONSHIP.
and yes, there IS a difference.
on second thought, we all know vanessa can not handle any of the three mentioned above.
::change of subject::
ive been a busy bee lately. which is great but still not as effective as i thought it would be.
bottom line, old habits die hard.
and when i say die i mean actually just run over numerous times to the point of a coma-esque state. but no, not necessarily DEAD. and when i say hard i mean, well, you cant exactly run things over SOFTLY and place them into a coma-esque state now can you?
eh. all in all, im alive. and thats all i can pretty much expect right now. so im good.
the girl is fucking living.
|
|
|
[04 May 2006|11:22pm] |
god fucking damnit.
mind over emotion, vanessa, mind over emotion.
fuck you too then.
|
|
| one way ticket to redemption |
[04 May 2006|03:17am] |
maybe you will appreciate me more now that im gone.
and maybe youll want to kick yourself in the fucking face.
...but if you dont, then i was wrong all along about you.
then, only then will it be safe to say that you, darling, are a fucking asshole.
:)
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automatictoilet's journal
discontent